Project H and the Chamber of Secrets
by Project H
Summary: A parody of the second Harry Potter film


**Project H and the Chamber of Secrets**

By Panicattack

*Dursley's*

Vernon: I've got a very important dinner tonight….so we're gonna do exactly what we do every other night. We get dressed up in fancy clothes and act important while Harry hides in his room

Harry: That works for everyone

Dobby: *Jumping on the bed* Yahoo! This is way better than the bed of nails my masters makes me jump on

Harry: Who are you?

Dobby: Dobby, sir, Dobby the house elf

Harry: Why don't you sit down? The computer's over there, you don't mind a bit of light typing do you?

Dobby: Dobby isn't here to work for Harry Potter. Dobby is here to warn Harry Potter. But Dobby can't say what *starts squirming*

Harry: Oh, I get it. I love charades! Hey Dobby, how many syllables?

Dobby: *Drops cake onto Mrs Mason*

Harry: Oh, I've got it! Is it 'Pride and Prejudice'?

***

*Harry's room*

Harry: Aargh! That very quiet humming sound in the distance woke me up, better get up and take a look

Ron: Hi Harry! It's us, the Weasley's, rescuing you in a flying car

Harry: Makes sense

Vernon: NO! He's escaping!

Dudley: But Dad, why do we want to keep him here if we hate him so much and would absolutely love to get rid of him the first chance we get?

Vernon:…

Harry: Bye!

***

*The Burrow*

Harry: Wow, I've only ever been in two houses in my life, and this one is the best

Ron: That means a lot

Mrs Weasley: WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN! Hello Harry, nice to see you. YOU COULD HAVE DIED! WHY DIDN'T YOU LEAVE A NOTE! WE WERE SO WORRIED! Of course, I don't blame you, Harry

Fred: The doctor said the new tablets would stop the sudden mood swings…

***

Mrs Weasley: Those silly muggles and their cars, why didn't they ever think of traveling by powder?

Harry: Powder? Isn't there any other way to get to Diagon Alley?

George: There is, but only Dad can use it

Mr Weasley: Damn straight! There's no place like Diagon Alley *taps heels together and disappears*

Mrs Weasley: Now Harry, make sure you speak VERY clearly, otherwise you'll end up in the wrong place. VERY clearly

Harry: Don't worry, I won't mess it up. *Steps into fire* Diaflogoonie!

Mrs Weasley:….say what?

***

*Dark store*

Harry: Ooh, a mysterious and evil-looking and possibly dangerous hand. Rather than think this over I'm gonna go straight over there and touch it *touches hand*

Hand: Another hand! I've always wanted a pair

Harry: *Leaves the store and goes out onto the street*

Strange woman: Hi, I work for Telstra. I was wondering if you could take a moment to fill out one of our customer service forms.

Harry: No! Please, no!

Hagrid: Harry, what are you doing down there?

Harry: I didn't mean to. Hang on, why were you down there?

Hagrid: Erm……..I was buying flesh-eating slug repellent

Harry: Tell the truth, Hagrid. Was it drugs or hookers?

Hagrid: Both. Speaking of which, here's Hermione

Hermione: Harry, what did you do to your glasses? Ochiulous explodo!

*Harry's glasses explode in his face*

Harry: OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

Hermione: Oops, wrong spell. Let me try again

Harry: No no, get away!

***

*In the bookstore*

Store manager: Ladies and gentl….ah who I am kidding, there's only women here. Mr Gilderoy Lockhart

Ron: I feel very out-of-place at the moment. How embarrassing

Harry: Yeah, at least it can't get any worse

Lockhart: *Grabs Harry and poses for a photo with him*

Harry: I stand corrected. Well at least it can't get any worse

Steamroller: *Runs Harry over*

Harry:….what the hell?

Lockhart: Now I know Mr Potter is a very rich man, but I'm going to give him a very expensive set of books for free

Women: He's sooooooo good to charity

Malfoy: I bet you love all the attention, Potter. Well I could be famous too, but I don't want to

Mr Malfoy: Get out of the way Draco, I want to insult them too. MUDBLOOD! DISGRACES THE NAME WIZARD! YOU-KNOW-YOU IS LEGENDARY! OK, I'm done. Lets go *leaves with Malfoy*

Harry: Good, they've gone

Mr Malfoy: Oh wait, I need to "inspect" this girl's book. *Picks up Ginny's book* Yep, it sucks. OK, I'm off. Oh, and you might want to remember this for future reference. OK, that's it, gone now

***

*At Kings Cross station*

Harry and Ron: *Crash into platform wall*

Everyone else: *Doesn't*

Ron: If there's one thing I hate, it's walls that are solid

Harry: Maybe we should go and wait by the car

Ron: The car!

Harry: Yes, that's what I said

Ron: No, the car!

Harry: What about it?

Ron: It can fly!

Harry: So can brooms…

Ron: Shut up and get in!

***

*Flying in the car*

Harry: Woah! This flying car is the coolest. Let's go pick up chicks

Ron: I've got a better idea, let's go to school

Harry:…

Ron: We'd better look for the train

Harry: Gee, the fun never stops with you, does it?

*Harry falls out of car and grabs onto door*

Harry: You intentionally turned the child-lock off, didn't you?

Ron: It's alright Harry, I'll put on some tunes to ease the mood

Radio: _Macarthur's Park is melting in the dark, all the sweet green icing flowing down…_

Harry: I've really gotta find some new friends *** *Arriving at school*

*Car crashes into a mysterious plant*

Ron: *In an extremely squeaky voice* My wand, look at my wand!

Harry: Aargh! There's a mouse in the car!

Ron: *Still squeaky* That was me

Harry: Dude, you've got some serious problems

THUMP!

Ron: What was that?

Harry: No idea…

THUMP!

THUMP!

*Rear window breaks*

Ron: Oh no! I know what's happening…WE'VE HIT THE WHOMPING WEED!

*Tiny little weed starts hitting car*

Harry: OH MY GOD! IT'LL KILL US ALL!

Ron: Bail out! *Jumps out of car*

Harry: *Jumps out of car*

Hedwig: *Doesn't…….but gets thrown out anyway*

Car: Well, that was a hoot guys, but I've got a hot date with Herbie so I've gotta go. Later! *Leaves*

***

*In school*

Ron: Sure is lucky we didn't get caught

Filch: Hello boys

Harry: You idiot, you jinxed it!

Snape: Those tabloids sure are quick to pick up on the news, aren't they? You've only been out of that car 5 minutes and already you're in the newspaper

Ron: How did you get a copy of the paper so quickly?

Snape: I have a subscription, how else am I supposed to keep up on the Hollywood gossip? Did you know Angelina and Brad are having another baby?

Ron: No way!

Snape: Way. You totally almost gave away thousands of years of magical history by revealing us to muggles. So there should be some kind of punishment…

Dumbledore: You'd think so, wouldn't you? But with me as headmaster, that's not the case. Harry and Ron, you're free to go

Harry and Ron: *Leave*

Dumbledore: So Severus, I hear Brad and Angelina are expecting a baby

Snape: Oh my gosh, let me give you all the juicy details…

***

*Herbology*

Sprout: Well now that you're all in your second year, it's time to start playing around with killer plants. But don't worry, these ones won't kill you….yet. Earmuffs on everyone

*Everyone puts earmuffs on*

Sprout: *Pulls up freaky dirt-baby thingy*

Mandrake: _Screech!_

Harry: We shouldn't be able to hear that, should we?

Ron: WHAT?!

Harry: Forget it

Ron: WHAT?!

***

*Breakfast*

Ron: Cool, mail's here. What did you get Harry?

Harry: *Reading mail* Hmm, looks like it's time to renew my subscription to 'Witches gone wild' magazine

Neville: Oh no, Ron! You've been sent a howler. Better open that now, I once ignored one from my gran. It stripped off my clothes, tied me up to a pipe in the basement and whipped me senseless, just like gran used to do

HOWLER: Eggs, milk, mars bar…

Ron: Aww man, mum's sent her shopping list by mistake again

HOWLER:…strawberry jam, nappies for Ron, condoms for Arthur…

RON: MAKE IT STOP!

***

*Defence against the Dark Arts class*

Lockhart: Just because it's Defence against the _Dark _Arts, doesn't mean it has to be dark and miserable. That's why I've jazzed it up with some portraits and decorations

Girls in class: Wow, that is so cool. He is so good. He is the best teacher ever

Lockhart: And guess what? I've even got some pixies for the class

Girls in class: He is so cool. What a great idea

Lockhart: *Unleashes pixies*

Girls in class: Aargh! That crazy man! What was he thinking?!

Pixies: Sorry guys, but we've got a bet with Peeves that we can create more carnage then him

Hermione: IMMOBILOSE!

Pixies: Darn!

Peeves: OK guys, hand it over

Pixies: _Grumble _*Hand over money* _Grumble_

***

*Walking to Quidditch practice*

Oliver Wood: You guys are gonna love this. I've been saving for months for these front row tickets to 'Rugrats on Ice'

Marcus Flint: Gryffindors!

Wood: Slytherins! Where are you going?

Flint: 'Rugrats on Ice' of course. We've booked out the whole theatre

Wood: But I've got front row tickets. How were you able to buy out the theatre?

Flint: A very generous donation by Draco's father

Harry: Malfoy's on the team?

Malfoy: That's right, and that's not the only thing that's new this year *lifts up robes to reveal official 'Rugrats on Ice' underpants*

Ron: No way!

Draco: Way

Hermione: At least no one on the Gryffindor team had to buy their way in

Malfoy: No one asked for your opinion

Nameless Slytherin player: Actually, I did

Malfoy: Oh, I do apologise. Go ahead, Hermione

Hermione: At least no one on the Gryffindor team had to buy their way in; they got in on pure talent

Malfoy: You filthy little Mudblood!

Gryffindors: Aww, SNAP!

Ron: Eat slugs! *Wand backfires*

Hermione: Is that even a real spell?

Ron: *Eating slugs* Man, these are good

Harry: We'd better take him to Hagrid's

Hermione: Why?

Harry: The slugs taste better there

Hermione: How would you know?

Harry:…

***

*Hagrid's hut*

Hagrid: *Hands Ron a plate of slugs* Here you go Ron, it's been ages since I've had someone else to cook for. Who was he trying to jinx anyway?

Harry: Malfoy. He called her a….well I wasn't paying any attention. I saw a cloud that looked like a pony

Hermione: *Tears in eyes* He called me a mudblood

*Silence*

Hermione: Hagrid?

Hagrid: *Looking out window with Harry* I don't know what you're on about Harry, that looks more like a fire engine

***

*Detention with Lockhart*

Lockhart: Fame is a fickle friend, Harry. Celebrity is as celebrity does, Harry. I didn't really do all the things I say I did in my books, Harry. Wait, forget that last bit!

Harry: Will do

Mysterious voice: Come to me. Let me rip, tear, destroy

Harry: Wow, your Billy Connelly impersonation is spot on

Lockhart: Really? I didn't know you'd heard it. *Puts on voice* 'Ere, I was in Dublin the other nigh'

Harry: Erm, can I go now?

Lockhart: Wait, I haven't gotten to the best bit yet. *Puts on voice* And me frien' says to me…

***

*The halls of Hogwarts*

Mysterious voice: It's really cramped and dirty in these pipes. Can you bring me a sandwich? Please. Mudbloods, no crusts

Harry: Dude, why is the floor so wet?

Ron: Don't look at me, mum sent me those nappies she had on her list

Hermione: Look, a dead cat!

Harry: Sweet! We're eating dinner tonight, guys!

Filch: Harry, you crazy kid! Get out of the halls! Nah, I'm just screwing with you. You're actually pretty cool kids. How about a round of butterbeers on me? I'd love to…OH MY GOD MY CAT IS DEAD! I'LL KILL YOU HARRY! YOU LITTLE PIECE OF GARBAGE!

Dumbledore: *In towel and shower cap* This better be good Argus, I'm in the middle of a shower

Filch: HE KILLED MY CAT!

Harry: Er, no, she's just sleeping

Dumbledore: Actually, she's petrified

Ron: Oh, I bet she was watching 'The Ring'. That film scared the hell outta me

Dumbledore: Erm, no

Filch: My cat is petrified! I wanna see some punishment!

Dumbledore: Not while I'm in charge, sister

Snape: Perhaps Potter and his friends were just in the wrong place at the wrong time….

Hermione: So we're just 'Potter's friends' now are we?

Dumbledore: Severus, are you actually standing up for Harry?

Snape……….NO! I meant to say, he's evil and should be killed and have his innards fed to Basilisks

Harry: What an odd thing to say…

Dumbledore: Well since no one actually saw Potter petrify Mrs Norris, he must be innocent

Snape: What about Weasley? He was here too

Dumbledore: Good point. Detention Ron!

Ron:…

***

*Transfiguration class*

McGonagall: Today we are going to be turning animals into water goblets

Hermione: Isn't that kinda cruel?

McGonagall: Extremely. Weasley, you can go first

Ron: *Points wand at Scabbers* Explodo!

Scabbers: *Explodes*

McGonagall: You need to get that wand fixed, Mr Weasley

Harry: Actually, he performed the spell perfectly. He's just an idiot

McGonagall: I suspected as much

Hermione: Professor, I was wondering if you could tell us about the Chamber of Secrets

McGonagall: Sure, couldn't hurt. Rumour has it that over 1000 years ago Salazar Slytherin made a secret chamber. Of course, it doesn't really exist. But if it did exist than a terrible monster could hide there. And if one day it got loose you could turn it into a water goblet to save yourself if you pay attention to today's lesson

***

*After class*

Hermione: Do you think there really is a Chamber of Secrets?

Ron: Sure, couldn't hurt

Hermione: Well, if the stories true then yes, it could hurt

Harry: I reckon Malfoy's the heir of Slytherin. Your thoughts?

Ron: I agree with Harry's point

Hermione: I don't know. I think we need more proof Harry: Sounds easy enough, I'll go ask Crabbe and Goyle Hermione: Even they aren't that thick Harry: Oh, you'd be surprised Hermione: No, what we need is a disguise Ron: I've got a fake moustache up in our dormitory

Hermione: I've got a better idea

Ron: Better than a fake moustache? I think not

Hermione: It is. But it's dangerous, very dangerous

Harry: Sounds right up our alley, I'll get the shovel

Hermione:…

***

*Quidditch*

Harry: You know what I love? Quidditch. You know what I hate? Malfoy. You know what a have indifferent feelings about? Muffins

Malfoy: All right there, Scarhead

Harry: Wow, that's creative. You stupid……blonde boy

Malfoy: Damn, that hurts

Hermione: You see? Without me around Harry always makes a total tool of himself

Bludger: *Zooms at Harry*

Harry: Whew, that was close

Bludger: *Zooms at Harry*

Harry: Whew, that was closer

Bludger: *Zooms at Harry*

Harry: Oh the hell with it, I'm outta here *flies off*

Malfoy: Training for the ballet, Potter?

Harry: WHO TOLD YO….Erm, I mean NO!

Bludger: *Zooms at Harry*

Harry: Is that all you do? You really need a hobby. Stamp collecting is pretty popular, you should try it out. I'll even start you off if you'd like

Bludger: Shut up and kiss me

Harry: Woah! You can talk!

Bludger: Of course I can. What sort of cursed bludger would I be if I couldn't talk? *Zooms at Harry*

Hagrid: Blimey! Harry's got himself a rogue bludger. That's been tampered with, that has!

Ron: You know an awful lot about this for an innocent person

Hagrid: *Walks off whistling*

Ron: Don't worry, I'll stop it!

Hermione: No, let's see how this plays out

Ron: But Harry's gonna get hurt…

Hermione: Tell you what; if Harry gets hurt I owe you a chocolate frog

Ron: You're on

Harry: There's the snitch, finally my pain will be over!

Bludger: *Breaks Harry's arm*

Harry: Oh for the love of- *catches snitch* -cool, I got it!

Hermione: *Destroys Bludger*

Bludger: Hey, what did I do to you?

Ron: Harry, are you OK?

Harry: No, my arm's broken

Ron: YES! Hermione, you owe me a chocolate frog

Hermione: Nope, we didn't shake on it

Ron: Damn! I hate having a smart friend

Hermione: I have no idea how you feel

Harry: Guys, I'm like…really badly hurt here

Lockhart: Don't worry, Harry. I'll help you with a spell I read off a coaster once. It was kind of blurred but I think I got the gist of it. *Points wand at Harry's arm* Explodo!

Harry's arm: *Explodes*

Harry: I hate that spell

***

*Hospital wing*

Madam Pomfrey: No bones in your arm, huh? How's that working out for you?

Harry: Not great, anything you can do about it?

Pomfrey: Sure, but it's gonna hurt like hell

Harry: Figures

Pomfrey: *Hands Harry glass of medicine*

Harry: *Drinks it……………spits it out*

Pomfrey: Well what did you expect, pumpkin juice?

Harry: That's what it says on the label

Pomfrey: Damn! Those kids have been mixing up my labels again

Random student: Madam Pomfrey, was that flu medicine you gave me suppose to turn me into a raccoon?

Pomfrey: Erm……sure, it's gotten rid of your flu, hasn't it?

Random student: Yeah, but now I've got really bad rabbis

Pomfrey: Figures

***

*Nighttime in the hospital*

Mysterious voice: Dude, this sucks. I'm getting Tom to keep me in a condo next time. He doesn't even let me watch TV and it's too dark to read. You don't mind if I go out and kick some mudblood arse do you, Harry?

Harry: Nah, that's cool. But be back before 10:00 or Tom will kill me

Mysterious voice: You got it *leaves*

Harry: That was weird. I wonder who Tom is

Dobby: I know, but I can't tell

Harry: That's cool, what brings you to my pad?

Dobby: Well I've kinda screwed up your life this year so I've come to reason with you a bit

Harry: Cool, stand still while I strangle you

Dobby: Anything for Harry Potter *stands still*

Harry: Crap, I hear voices. We'll finish this later

Dobby: You got it. By the way, I rigged the bludger *disappears*

Harry: BASTARD! *Climbs back into bed quickly*

McGonagall: Colin Creevey's been petrified

Pomfrey: Figures

Dumbledore: OK, you're really pissing me off now

Pomfrey: Figures

Dumbledore: If I wasn't an extremely well mannered, gentle and attractive man I'd kick your arse

McGonagall: Do you think he took a picture of his attacker?

Dumbledore: Say what? Oh, Colin, right. Sure, let's take a look

Camera: *Semi-emplodes*

Dumbledore: OK, who cast the 'Explodo' charm? C'mon, someone fess up. No one? Crap

McGonagall: What does this mean, Albus!

Dumbledore: Well, I'll never get those pictures of my holiday to Acapulco developed. I borrowed Colin's camera for the trip. Oh, it also means that every student's life is in danger, but we're kinda used to that now

***

*In the girl's bathroom brewing up a potion………yeah I know it's kinda weird, just try and bear with me*

Ron: I always thought a girl's bathroom would be more interesting than this. All those wasted nights trying to sneak in

Hermione: Oh really, did you seen the loom?

Ron: For the last time, YES!

Harry: You know what this feels like?

Hermione: What?

Harry: Drug lab

Hermione: Whatever. By the way, there's a ghost in here

Ron: No biggie. There are tons around the castle

Hermione: This one's……..unique

Myrtle: Wahhhhhh!

Ron: Woah, what's up with her?

Myrtle: I have such a lonely and miserable life

Harry: A crazy ghost who lives in a toilet has a lonely life? Get out of town

***

*Dueling club*

Lockhart: Welcome to the dueling club!

Girls: He is so cool! He is so great! This totally makes up for the pixie thing!

Lockhart: Professor Snape has agreed to help me out with a little presentation. Just a little reminder Severus, the unforgivable curses are banned for this duel

Snape: Damn!

Harry and Ron: Damn!

Snape: There goes my whole game plan

Lockhart: 1…2…3…GO!

Snape: *Wins*

Harry: That was quick

Lockhart: OK then, change of plan, we'll show the kids how to defend themselves. Potter, Weasley, how about a demonstration?

Snape: No way! Weasley's wand causes chaos and could really badly hurt Harry……on second thought, maybe Weasley would be a good choice

Hermione: Sir, there's nothing wrong with Ron's wand, he's just an idiot

Snape: Figures

Harry: Can everyone please stop saying that?

Snape: Ooh, hold on a sec, I've just had a great idea. Potter vs Malfoy, this'll be the biggest fight since Hogan/Andre!

Crowd: Oh my, what a battle. I bet this'll be the most climatic thing to happen in Harry's life this year

Lockhart: Remember, disarm only

Harry and Malfoy: Oh, sure. Just disarm *wink wink*

Lockhart: 1…2…3…GO!

Harry and Malfoy: *Start slapping each other*

Snape: This isn't how I imagined a Harry/Draco fight

Lockhart: I said disarm only!

Malfoy: Serpensortia!

Snake: *Appears*

Harry: *Tells snake not to attack Justin…..at least that's what Harry claims to have said. We have no proof of this since no one else in the room was able to translate Harry's conversation with the snake to us. Naturally I guess we are suppose to believe in the good-guy's story no matter what so for the time being let's just say that Harry did indeed tell that snake not to attack Justin*

***

*Back in the common room*

Ron: Gee, another undiscovered gift, do you think it will somehow help you in the future just like every other surprising gift you've discovered in your past year and a half in the wizarding world?

Harry: Wow, that's the smartest thing you've ever said

Ron: Yeah, I screwed up a charm in Charms class and as a result me and Hermione has swapped IQ's for 24 hours

Hermione: Cool, you guys talk about that and I'm gonna put this pencil in my ear *puts pencil in ear*

Ron: Anyway, Salazar Slytherin was famous for being a parselmouth. Now everyone will think you're his great-great-grandson or something

Harry: But I'm not! I can't be… *flashes back*

"Salazar Slytherin: *Hands Harry a present* Here you go, Sonny. Happy birthday!

Young Harry: Thanks, Grandpa Salazar"

*End flashback*

Harry: Not a good sign…

***

*In a hall…I can't be any more specific than that*

Harry: Nothing like a nice long walk through the school to get your mind off the fact everyone thinks you're a killer

*Finds Justin and Nearly-Headless Nick petrified*

Harry: Fiddlesticks!

Filch: Caught you! You're it *runs off giggling*

McGonagall: Two more attacks? That puts you one ahead of me. You'd better go and tell Dumbledore so he can update the scoreboard

***

*Dumbledore's office*

Fawkes: *Explodes*

Harry: Oh, is Ron here?

Dumbledore: No, my bird is just an idiot

Harry: That's what lead me to thinking Ron was here

Dumbledore: Speaking of which, why are you here?

Harry: Something about a scoreboard

Dumbledore: Oh, you mean you petrified someone else?

Harry: Apparently so

Dumbledore: I see you're not even denying it anymore

Harry: Why bother?

Dumbledore: Yeah, I know what you mean

*Awkward silence*

Dumbledore: How 'bout those Gunners?

Hagrid: Professor Dumbledore! Harry didn't do it!

Dumbledore: Oh great, you spoiled the surprise for the rest of us

Harry: Can I go now?

Dumbledore: Unless you have anything else you'd like to tell me *wink wink*?

Harry:….Erm, look Professor, I'm flattered and all, but I don't go that way. I'm not saying you're unappealing or anything, I'm just not interested. I hope you understand

Dumbledore: Sure, off you go then

Harry: *Quickly leaves*

Dumbledore…………………NO WAIT! Harry, I think you misunderstood me

***

*Girl's bathroom*

Hermione: OK guys, the polyjuice potion is ready

Ron: Really? The time really flew by didn't it?

Hermione: All we need know is a part of the person we want to change into

Harry: I call The Pope

Ron: Damn, I wanted to be him

Hermione: No, you have to turn into Crabbe and Goyle

Ron: What fun is that?

Hermione: It will help uncover the heir of Slytherin

Ron: Leave it to Knight Rider. He can solve any crime

Hermione: Just take these cupcakes and make sure Crabbe and Goyle eat them. They've got a sleeping potion in them

***

Ron: So, how are we gonna get Crabbe and Goyle to eat these?

Harry: Easy. CRABBE! GOYLE! Want some cupcakes?

Crabbe and Goyle: Sure *eat cupcakes………..…faint*

***

*Back in the bathroom…hey, that's not a bad name for a film*

Hermione: OK, everyone add hairs to the potion

Harry: You see what I mean, exactly like a drug lab

Hermione: Just drink the damn gunk

Everyone: *Drinks the damn gunk*

Ron: I'm gonna be sick *runs into cubicle*

Hermione: Me too *runs into another cubicle*

Harry: I'll stay here so I have more vomit room than both of you

Ron: *Looking like Crabbe* Harry, it worked perfectly

Harry: *Looking like Goyle* It sure did. Where's Hermione

Hermione: *Steps out of cubicle looking like a smoking hot supermodel* Bye guys, I'm off to the boys dormitory to have some fun *leaves*

Ron: Aww man, she wouldn't let us use it for our own enjoyment

Harry: Yeah, er, maybe we should follow her. To, er, make sure she doesn't screw up

Ron: Nah, we'd better go find Malfoy

Harry: What is it you hate about having fun?

***

*Slytherin common room*

Malfoy: You know who I hate? The Weasleys

Ron/Crabbe: *Gets angry*

Malfoy: What's your problem?

Harry/Goyle: He's, er, a bad actor

Malfoy: Fair enough. You know, I'm surprised the ministry hasn't reported all these attacks. I expect Dumbledore's trying to hush it all up. Dad always said he's the worst thing to ever happen to Hogwarts

Harry/Goyle: YOU'RE WRONG!

Malfoy: What?!

Harry/Goyle: I mean, er, carry on

Ron/Crabbe: You can't act your way out of a paper bag, Harry

Malfoy: I sure hope Granger dies

Ron/Crabbe: YOU BASTARD!

Malfoy: WHAT?!

Harry/Goyle: It's his bad acting *runs*

Ron/Crabbe: *Runs*

***

*Back in the girl's bathroom yet again. I'm sensing a theme here*

Ron: Damn, it's hard to run in these massive Crabbe shoes *trips and smashed head on bathroom sink*

Harry: Hermione, are you in here we've got loads to tell you?

Myrtle: Ooh wait until you see, it's horrible *giggles and floats off*

Harry: *Walks up to cubicle door* Hermione, are you in there?

Hermione: *Makes belching sounds*

Ron: Hermione, are you alright?

Hermione: You know that supermodel I stole hairs from, it turns out she was bulimic. Now I can't stop throwing up

Ron: More importantly, are you still hot?

Hermione: No, that part of the potion has worn off

Harry: We just can't catch a lucky break tonight

***

*Back in the girl's bathroom….again. I mean seriously, why didn't we just call it Harry Potter: The Bathroom year*

Myrtle: Waaaaaah, someone threw a book at me

Harry: Someone was throwing free books to you, you should have held out longer until they threw something good

Diary: Hey, I heard that

Harry: Oh, sorry Diary

Diary: You can make it up to me by taking you up to your dormitory and writing in me

Harry: You got it

***

*Dormitory*

Harry: *Writing* _My name is Harry Potter_

Diary: Come on, you can do better than that

Harry: Alright, I'll try again. *Writing* _Do you know anything about the Chamber of Secrets?_

Tom: Yes

Harry: Woah! Diary, you never told me there was someone else in there with you

Diary: Yeah, we've been sharing a place for a little while. Tom's a nice guy but he drinks from the carton and always leaves the seat up

Harry: Tom, can you tell me?

Tom: No

Harry: YOU STUPID SON OF A BI-

Tom: But I can show you…

Harry: Aww, you're such a sweet guy *gets sucked into diary*

***

*Inside the diary*

Harry: This is not what I imagined the inside of a diary would look like

Tom: Professor Dumbledore, is it true a girl died?

Dumbledore: Yes Tom, it is

Tom: Is it true they are going to close the school?

Dumbledore: Yes Tom, it is

Tom: Will they leave the school open if the culprit is captured?

Dumbledore: Yes Tom, they will

Tom: If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around, does it make a sound?

Dumbledore: Yes Tom, it does

Tom: Do you touch yourself at night?

Dumbledore: Yes Tom, I….oh, you nearly had me *laughs*

Tom: Yeah, I thought I had you for a minute there

Dumbledore: Run along now

Tom: *Runs along now*

Harry: Where are we going, Tom?

Tom:…

Harry: Can you hear me?

Tom:…

Harry: If you touch yourself at night, say nothing

Tom: Oh no, I'm not falling for that

Hagrid: *Singing* _My little pony, my little pony…_

Tom: Hagrid!

Hagrid: Tom!

Harry: Hagrid!

Hagrid: Harry!

Tom: You shouldn't be able to see him. In fact, you shouldn't even know him in this time period

Hagrid: Ssh, you'll wake up my giant, terrifying spider

Tom: Just what I wanted to hear. You'll be expelled Hagrid, you're responsible for the girl's death

Harry: *Starts disappearing from diary* NO! HAGRID! HE'S GONNA TRICK YOU INTO SAYING YOU TOUCH YOURSELF AT NIGHT! *Gets blown out of diary*

Harry: Wow, that was cool. I wonder if it was all a dream…

Tom: No dream! Hagrid opened the chamber!

***

*Quidditch*

Oliver: Yeah so I said to the guy, gimme a beer! You know what he did? He gave me a beer, so I snapped him!

Team:…

Oliver: So, um, let's go out and beat Hufflepuff!

McGonagall: Not on my watch

Oliver: Nope, on the quidditch pitch

McGonagall: No I mean the game has been cancelled. There's been a double attack, but only one of them matters. Potter, follow me

***

*Hospital Wing*

Harry: Oh no, Hermione's been killed!

McGonagall: Don't worry, she's just been petrified

Ron: Yeah right. That's the same thing we told Ginny when her hamster died

Harry: That wasn't a hamster; it was your newborn baby brother

Ron:….should we not have flushed it, then?

***

*Going to Hagrid's hut*

Ron: Is this wise, Harry? We really shouldn't go bursting in on him this time of night. Also, if he really has opened the chamber, he's probably gonna kill us as soon as we ask him

Harry: Look, if he opened the chamber last time he'll know where it is. Besides, Hagrid isn't dangerous *knocks on Hagrid's door*

Hagrid: *Wielding a crossbow* WHO'S THERE! I KILL YER! I KILL ALL OF YER!

Harry: Relax Hagrid, it's us

Hagrid: *Shoots Harry in chest*

Harry: OH GOD! *Collapses on ground*

Hagrid: Sorry, nervous twitch

***

*In Hagrid's hut*

Hagrid: So, why are you here this time of night?

Harry: Hagrid, what do you about the Chamber of Secrets?

Hagrid: Well the thing about that is…

Door: _Knock Knock_

Hagrid: Who's there?

Dumbledore: Professor Dumbledore

Hagrid: Professor Dumbledore who?

Dumbledore: Albus Dumbledore you nimrod. Open the door!

*Harry and Ron go under invisibility cloak*

*Dumbledore and Fudge enter*

Fudge: Bad business, Hagrid. There have been far too many attacks and the ministry has to act. Therefore we have to lock up all our top suspects. So far we have Judge Judy, Gordon from Sesame Street and that talking paperclip thingy from Microsoft Word. Unfortunately we have to take you away as well

Hagrid: Take me where, not Azkaban prison?

Fudge: I'm afraid so

Hagrid: DEAR GOD NO!

Lucius Malfoy: On top of that great news, I'm here to tell you that Dumbledore has been fired

Dumbledore: Sweet! Acapulco here I come! *Runs out happily*

Lucius: Yes, good news for all *leaves happily*

Hagrid: OK, well, if anyone was looking for Waldo, all they'd have to do would be to look at the back of the book for the answers *walks outside*

Fudge: Of course! I never thought of that! *leaves happily*

Hagrid: Oh, and if you wanna find something else, follow the spiders *wink wink*

Harry: Sounds like an adventure. Wanna follow the spiders, Ron?

Ron: No, let's hide here and hope that somehow everything will fix itself

Harry: If not for Hagrid, then do it for Hermione…

Ron: Hermione! Of course! Let's go!

Harry: Cool, let's go follow the spiders

Ron: Follow the spiders? Why couldn't it be follow the butterflies?

Harry: Now, it's lines like that that make people thing you're a wuss

***

*The forbidden forest*

Harry: So, are you or are you not the monster in the chamber of secrets?

Aragog: Look, I'm sick of people bringing this up. I'm sick of people comparing me to the monster and then mocking my un-scariness. I can be scary, I can be vicious. I'm just nothing special compared to him. But that's not to say I'm not scary, I can be extremely scary when I want to be. Hagrid was one off, you be nice to one human in your life and your reputation as a killer is scarred forever. I'm just as blood-thirsty as the next guy. I'll even prove it now, I'll get my children to rip you two limb from limb. Would that prove it?

Harry: Yes, that would prove without a shadow of a doubt that you are a ferocious killer

Aragog: Well good, because that's the feeling I've been going for. No one fears me anymore. Even my parents doubted me but I said to them "Look, maybe being a gruesome murderer isn't for me. I mean, is not wanting to drink the blood and tear the flesh of humans that bad a thing? Maybe I'd be better off getting into telemarketing". But did they listen? No, I had to be like them, vicious and brutal. Well look at me now mum and dad, I'm doing what you do! Is this what you want? Is this want you wanted me to become? IS IT? IS IT REALLY? DID YOU WANT TO TURN YOUR SON INTO A HEARTLESS CREATURE LIKE YOU? IS THAT ALL YOU EVER WANTED ME TO BE? *Breaks into tears* WHY DID YOU NEVER COME TO MY SCHOOL RECITALS? WHY DIDN'T YOU COME TO MY JUNIOR SOCCER GAMES! DID I MEAN NOTHING TO YOU?

Car: You guys wanna get going? He's gonna be like this for a while

Harry: Sure, we've got what we came for- his booze. Let's go!

Aragog: WHY DIDN'T YOU HUG ME IN FRONT OF OTHER PEOPLE?

***

*Hospital wing*

Ron: We really need you now, Hermione. Even though you are here, but at the same time not here. It is an enigma. I wish Hermione were here to help us with this enigma. Even though she is here, but not here at the same time. It is an enigma. I wish…

Harry: That's really not helping

Ron: Oh, well what about this note I found in Hermione's hand? Will that help?

Harry: It may, it may not. It is an enigma. I wish Hermione were here to help us with this enigma. But since she isn't, we'll read this note she left us. *Reads note* Hmm, it seems to be in some kind of numerical code

Ron: No, you're reading the phone numbers out of her address book. The real note says the creature in the school is a Basilisk and it's getting around in the school's pipes

Harry: Damn, no wonder he kept beating me at hide-and-seek

***

*Spontaneous staff meeting*

McGonagall: OK, time for a wrap-up of the days events

*Harry and Ron are listening in*

Harry: Let's find out if anything else about the chamber of secrets has occurred

McGonagall: Firstly, Ron's sister Ginny has been taking into the chamber itself

Ron: Next

McGonagall: Secondly, we've forced Lockhart to go into the chamber to get her

Ron: No biggie

McGonagall: Finally, due to the chaos going on at the school, we've cancelled tonight's 'Hey Dad..!' marathon

Ron: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

***

*Lockhart's office*

Ron: I don't know about this Harry, is it safe to go into the chamber with Lockhart?

Harry: C'mon Ron, do it for 'Hey Dad..!'

Ron: You're right; they would have wanted us to stay strong

Harry: Hey Lockhart! Wanna come into the chamber with us?

Lockhart: I'll pass

Harry: If you don't come. We'll tell everyone that you're a fake

Lockhart: *Points wand at Harry and Ron*

Harry and Ron: *Point wands at Lockhart*

Harry: We've got you outnumbered, put down your wand

Lockhart: Make me! STUPEFY! STUPEFY!

Harry and Ron: *Collapse on ground*

Lockhart: Idiots!

***

*In the chamber*

Harry: OK, if you see anything, close your eyes and get on the ground

Lockhart: Good news, I've decided to come anyway

Ron: That's handy

Lockhart: *Grabs Ron's wand* Not for you it isn't. OBLIVIATE!

*Spell backfires and chamber roof partly collapses*

Harry: Are you OK, Ron?

Ron: Yeah, but Lockhart isn't *hits Lockhart in head with rock*

Lockhart: Ouch! What the hell are you doing?

Ron: *Continuously hitting Lockhart* Trying to knock you out!

Lockhart: Well it's not working. Can you stop, please?

***

*The heart of the chamber*

Harry: Tom, what brings you here?

Tom: Well it was getting pretty cramped in the diary so I've been looking for a place to myself

Harry: What do you do for fun in a dark, dank place like this?

Tom: Well several months ago I awoke the monster within the chamber

Harry: Oh, that sounds interesting. What's the monster like?

Tom: Yeah he's a nice guy. Kills on demand

Harry: Yes, I've found that to be a good quality in a friend

Tom: Would you like me to show you how he kills?

Harry: If it isn't any trouble

Tom: Not at all. All I need is someone for him to kill…

Harry: Say, what about me? Since I'm already here and all

Tom: Good idea. *In parseltongue* Bruce, get you arse out here, we've got company

Basilisk: Hi Harry. We met, remember? In the hospital wing we talked for a bit

Harry: Yeah, those were some good times

Tom: Bruce, kill Harry

Basilisk: Sure thing *attacks*

Harry: Hey Tom, is it cool if I defend myself? It's just, you know, I've got other stuff to do today and I can't risk any gruesome deaths

Tom: Yeah, that's fine. Do you want me to get you a weapon or something?

Harry: Nah, that's cool. I've got this bird I take to all my fights and he helps me out

Tom: OK, I'll leave you to it

Fawkes: Hey Harry, I brought you a hat to help you with the fight

Harry: What does the hat do?

Fawkes: Nothing, but there's a sword in the hat

Harry: Why didn't you just bring the sword?

Fawkes: Hey, I don't tell you how to do your job

Basilisk: Hey guys, can we get started? I've got to be at the hairdressers by four

Harry: OK, let's start *stabs Basilisk in mouth*

Basilisk: Damn, third time this week *falls to floor*

Tom: Well, that's me done. I'll see you guys later

Harry: Bye Tom, thanks for the battle

Tom: By the way Harry, did I tell you I'm really Lord Voldemort?

Harry: No you didn't. How's that working out for you?

Tom: You know, can't complain. It sucks not having a body though

Harry: I can imagine. So what were my parents like?

Tom: Yeah, they were pretty cool. You have your mother's eyes, you know?

Harry: Yeah, I get told that a lot

Tom: Alrightly, I'd better be off. Mudbloods to kill, episodes of 'Hey Dad..!' to watch *leaves*

Harry: Nice guy. Well come on Ginny, if we're not back by 9 all the dessert will be gone

***

*At the chamber entrance*

Ron: *Still hitting Lockhart with rock*

Lockhart: You're a jerk, you know that? A total jerk! Why don't you stop hitting me and work out how we're gonna get out! You're just being stupid and immature!

Harry: We're back, and we brought pizza

Ron: Cool, all we need now is some chicks and booze

Hermione: *Holding several bottles of beer* You called? The mandrakes were a success and now I'm feeling great again. Let's party!

*'_Everybody dance now'_ starts playing and Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Lockhart, Tom, the Basilisk and the cast from 'Hey Dad..!' dance along with the music*

**THE END**


End file.
